An interesting thing happened while making the content for my most recent post on Substack and YouTube concerning the shadow self.
Reflecting, writing, talking and sharing all of what’s been happening to me, along with the healing process opened up a can of whoop-ass on my heart and body.
My heart was left aching, my back, legs and hips were in a lot of pain and I was absolutely exhausted.
And feeling that, instead of running away from that is what I am leaning into.
After I made that last YouTube video and posted it, I found myself standing in my room and simply posed the question:
“What are my biggest fears, what is hanging out in the shadows?”
The answer came quickly:
That I will run out of money, that I am limited in what I can offer the world, that I will not be able to make enough to provide for my daughter the way I would like. That life has long been too much of a hustle and struggle to make ends meet. I am tired and I don’t want to have to rebuild again for the umpteenth time.
These are stories held by a part of me that is scared, that is not seen, that lives in those shadows.
It is hard to be seen when every day I create, I have had a lot of success teaching and writing and massaging. I unconsciously ignore these aspects of myself, because I think it doesn’t serve me, especially when I am in a space of doing and working. And I am scared to see those parts of myself and the impact it might have on me.
But on that day, I asked the questions, I felt the answers, I felt the pain that lives in me
And then, later that night, I woke up at 3:00am and could feel my heart hurting. The parts of me that are scared and worried that live in the shadows were making themselves very known.
When that experience happened, I didn’t reach for my phone (which I might have done on a different day), or do anything to distract myself from what was coming up.
Instead, I stayed in my bed, as still as could be. I put one hand on my heart, the other on my abdomen. To hold space, to feel that part of me, to offer love.
Just as a parent holding their child.
Except, in this case, I was holding myself.
To say it was uncomfortable would be underselling it.
I was not trying to change or force anything, yet from my observation, when you can be present like that, change happens. A pathway for release of that story and that pain becomes available, because it is seen. I am seen.
The next day, I felt exhausted and tender.
My brain and body were not fully functioning after lying there like that for roughly 3 hours in the middle of the night. But the change felt evident. Movement and release and healing were happening and I could feel more love flowing.
I still do feel some of that fear in me, but I also feel it differently.
Whereas last week, I felt like I was in the grip of that fear, such that I felt stuck, now it is different. Now I feel like I am capable of figuring out my next steps. I feel much more connected to the creative energy I need to call upon for finding my way.
I have also faced some rejection this week of work and potential projects.And I feel myself taking it in stride, instead of getting down or caught up in it.
That is the power of this work and I am grateful for it.
Then the other day, I was on my yoga mat, doing a class whose theme was stamina. My yoga teacher shared a story about Shinzen Young, an American going through his final rites of monk initiation at a Japanese Zen monastery.
She tells the story of how he had to stand outside in the winter pouring buckets of cold water on himself. He spent weeks doing this and while doing so would try to distract himself in whatever way possible.
Eventually he discovered that the best way to go through the experience was to go right into the heart of it. To feel everything he was feeling. The intensity, the pain, the cold, the doubts, the worry, the hardship.
And inside of accepting how the moments actually are, came freedom in release.
What’s more, she shared the insight that when you go right into the heart of it you get to know more of your whole self and more of what you’re capable of.
…Sounds about right to me
And we don’t have to be Zen monks in order to make choices like this.
But I do think it often comes down to choices and showing up. The little things we can do on a daily basis to support our health, be it for our mind, spirit or body.
It all adds up. Making those choices regularly, helps us to show up and find even more of what we’re capable of in times of crisis.
It’s in the foods we eat, the ways we take care of our body, making time for our mind and being in touch with the love that lives inside us and all around us.
Things that are all very much within our reach.
If you would like to help me on this rebuilding journey…
Support can come in many ways and I am grateful, honored and humbled by it all. Some of those ways include:
Like this article and drop a line in the comments. If you have questions, I will do my best to answer them
Subscribe to this newsletter and consider becoming a paid subscriber
Sharing this story
Offering love and support to yourself and people in your life whenever possible. Let the love flow!
It sounds like Kripalu's process of Riding the Wave could be helpful. There are a few short web posts about it, or Stephen Cope did an audiobook called Yoga for Emotional Flow, which explains the process and has 3 guided meditations for implementation....
So moved by your healing journey Shai, thanks for sharing your process.