Soldiering On
The other day I was talking to one of my close friends about the recent events of how I lost the majority of my life savings.
He’s a dear friend that I’ve known for 25 years and he was very supportive throughout our talk and then towards the end of the call his parting words were something to the effect of, I know that you lost A LOT of money and it’s terrible, but looking big picture, you have your health and your daughter has her health. Put it all in context, that’s much more important and now you can rebuild.
So best to soldier on.
Practical advice to be certain and in the moment, I agreed with him.
At the same time, I could feel how those two words, “soldier on” pierced my heart.
When I think of the possible origin of the phrase, I think of a soldier who experiences unimaginable suffering in the heat of battle. And in spite of whatever death, injuries, blood and horrors of war they are engaged in, their job is to put it behind them, compartmentalize it and “soldier on”.
Oxford dictionary defines soldiering on as “to continue with what you are doing or trying to achieve, especially when this is difficult or unpleasant”
In our society, I think this approach is common and expected when immense difficulty arises.
As someone living through these challenges though, what I would offer is that it is up to each us to define what soldiering on means. There is plenty of room for interpretation.
For example, if this had happened to 21-year-old me, soldiering on likely would have meant not telling a soul what happened. It would have meant pushing it as far down into my psyche as possible so I could forget about it as quickly as possible and move on with my life.
I would have been oblivious about the potential impact such choices would likely have on my mental health.
If the events were to come up, either as a thought or unknown pain (either physical or emotional) I might have tried to drown it out by drinking, smoking, indulging, distracting, or binging in some way.
At the same time, as I reflect on what my last three months have been like, I realize that there’s a lot of truth and wisdom in those two words, but there’s also a lot more texture in my definition.
I do think it is important to live life. I have a daughter, I am a Thai Yoga Massage teacher and therapist with clients and students that I care about, I do need to earn a living and rebuild my savings. I do want to find my ideal partner so we can share our lives together.
These responsibilities, engagements and enjoyments aren’t going to wait for me to feel fully healed before I continue to do the tasks that are required of me.
And I don’t think they should. I think living life is healing and necessary.
I think that those external goals, pressures and realities have value in how they can help pull you forward and pull you out of the mud.
That is, pull you out of the fear, doubt, worry, self-pity and suffering of your own (my own) mind.
The flip side though, that I cannot ignore is that even though -as my friend reminded me- I have my physical health, this experience feels like a shot to the emotional heart with pieces of shrapnel that remain embedded within.
The initial shock and pain to my body, my mind, my heart was overwhelming and rather unique. I’ve had my heart broken before, multiple times and this was a very different kind of frequency.
This was a mix of heartbreak and violent violation that was and is very new to me.
As a healer by trade, and a person dedicated to my overall health with all kinds of regular practices for over 30 years, I am sensitive to my inner universe.
That kind of pain and intensity doesn’t just go away overnight, or in a couple of months.
In the first few weeks, it felt like a heavy weight being carried around in my body, and it would come up in my thoughts several times a day.
More recently, the weight is getting lighter and the events are receding into the background. It’s not a linear process. Some days are heavier than others. Writing about these experiences and sharing it, brings unresolved pain up to the surface as well.
What’s more, when I think bigger picture, I can’t ignore my belief system that the roots of disease are in dis-ease.
When I look deeply into myself, I see that my body is wired towards healing, towards living in an optimal state. In scientific terms, we call it homeostasis, in yogic terms, we call it balance. And the ways we feed our body can influence the evolution and quality of that balanced state.
I do believe that long term dis-ease in the body is at the root of many physical illnesses, because it is not in line with how the body wants and needs to operate.
As a result, there is a real danger in ‘soldiering on’ if we take that to mean focusing exclusively or primarily on external goals, responsibilities and distractions to help get us through deeply painful experiences.
When that is the primary or sole focus, then issues remain unresolved and even if I’m not conscious of it, they may influence my subconscious and well-being. Acute pain can turn into long-term dis-ease and discomfort.
As a result, as I mentioned in my last post, an equally important part of my process is guided by the phrase, “how slow can you go, how high can you fly”.
This core teaching that came to me as the secret to giving Thai Massage at the highest level also supports me here.
It supports my mental health and the deep work that is necessary to help dislodge that emotional shrapnel.
What’s more is that what’s come up for me as an intention is to use this opportunity as a time to heal from other trauma suffered on the battlefield of life.
I can’t necessarily put it into words to identify what those traumas are. I just accept that with each previous challenge, there is likely some pain, some trauma, some dis-ease that remains in my subconscious.
And it might be preventing me from adopting a healthier habit or from finding more grace and skill in navigating a difficult conversation, deepening intimacy or finding love in my life. It might have contributed to the blind side that prevented me from identifying the dating scam that is causing so much pain now.
As a result, holding space for healing is integral to my current definition of soldiering on.
Taking time to breathe. Taking time to feel. Even if, and especially if that means finding a way to be present and comfortable in how uncomfortable this all feels.
Dedicating time every day to go inwards, to meditate, to practice yoga, to be soft, to love myself, to feel pain (if that’s what comes up) is the delicate, vital, powerful work that also needs to be done.
I am grateful for that opportunity and for the fact that I have already spent so much of my life prioritizing these skills and these habits prior to an event like this taking center stage.
They are helping me now, to share these words, to be able to sit in meditation, as I did this morning and feel some healing take place. I could feel how some of the shrapnel was dislodged and released from my body.
It’s hard. It’s freaking hard. Especially in the beginning, when the pain feels so overwhelming.
But I am sharing this story, this process, to talk about some of the keys that I have found that help and if it can help you as well, then please let it be so.
I am all about practical, simple methods and systems that can become useful tools in one’s life. As this blog evolves, a big part of what motivates me to write it, is to share more about what these tools are and to be of service.
I believe there is inspiration, healing and opportunities for growth under every rock, and in every difficult situation.
And making room for that in my life is an essential part of soldiering on.
A Musical Ending:
As I was writing this entry, a song came to mind. One of the formative ones in my life that helped teach me that the way I was soldiering on as a 21-year-old wasn’t in my best interests. It’s called the Wood Song by the Indigo Girls.
Let me know what you think!
If you would like to help on this rebuilding journey…
Support can come in many ways and I am grateful, honored and humbled by it all. Some of those ways include:
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